something they claim is "humor"

From: kquick@best.com (Karen Quick)
Newsgroups: best.bizarre
Subject: A Veritable Cacophony of Geeky Humor
Date: Fri, 05 Apr 96 08:28:33 GMT
Organization: Banana Slug Ranch

YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR... 

if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. 

if you enjoy pain.

if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long 
division.

if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force." 

if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major. 

if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. 

if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver." 

if you always do homework on Friday nights. 

if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of 
water.

if you think in "math."

if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges. 

if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down 
its wave function.

if you have a pet named after a scientist. 

if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. 

if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the 
Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

if you can translate English into Binary. 

if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building 
which says "Exit."

if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because 
there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

If you are completely addicted to caffeine. 

if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the 
eventual heat-death of the universe.

if you consider ANY non-science course "easy." 

if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have 
accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to
Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. 

if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. 

if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math 
easier.

if you understood more than five of these indicators. 

if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door. 

If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that 
you might be classified as a physics major.  I hope this clears up any 
confusion.

**************************************************************************


The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
       -- taken from the Harvard Crimson

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
         $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
 8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
 7. I would never date an undergraduate.
 6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
 ****3. The department is giving me so much support.*******
 2. My job prospects look really good.
 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants:

 5.  I'm not going to grant any extensions.
 4.  Call me any time.  I'm always available.
 3.  It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
 2.  Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
 1.  My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 You just might be a graduate student if...

  ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
  ...your office is better decorated than your apartment.
  ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the
         progress of your own joke across the Internet.
  ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
  ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
  ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
  ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
  ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
  ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching
         a single paper.
  ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
  ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
  ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at
         the library.
 ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without
         the distraction of classes.
  ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
  ...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
  ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
  ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the
         actual text.
  ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now
         just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
  ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
  ...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th
         grade".
  ...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
  ...you often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting
         scurvy.
  ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
  ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
  ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as
         "personal communication"

****************************************************************************


Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

 - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

 - he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

 - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

 - he refers to Klingons as "Critters"

 - he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

 - he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

 - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

 - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

 - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

 - he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

 - he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

 - he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

 - he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

 - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

 - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

 - he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

 - he paints the starship John Deere green

 - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

 - he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

 - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

 - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

 - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

 - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

 - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans
   and weenies

 - he sets phaser to "Cajun"